Monthly Archives: January 2017

When You’re Mad at Your Pastor

designIt is part of human nature and relationship dynamics that, from time to time, we get angry with the people around us. When we spend lots of time with others, we will get irritated, aggravated and sometimes mad at them. Spouses, kids, neighbors – they all have a way of getting on our last nerve. It is no different with our church leaders. Without a doubt, someone reading this post is particularly ticked at their local preacher right now. Take a deep breath and read on!

In my line of work, I deal with what, at times, seems like an inordinate amount of anger at pastors. Disappointment with preaching, frustration with decision-making and annoyance with quirks are a regular part of my conversations with church members. Don’t be mistaken, the vast majority of people are perfectly happy with their pastor; at least that is my takeaway. But occasionally, I hear some pretty fiery vocabulary centered around the ineptitude of the shepherd.

Let me quickly share one positive aspect of people getting mad at their pastor: they care enough to be passionate. I have met too many church members who are so disconnected with their church that they just don’t care what happens. So thanks for caring enough to get angry. But be very careful not to allow your passion to cause you to do something that is hurtful.

What do you do when you are mad at your pastor?

Don’t talk negatively about your pastor. When you express your displeasure with the pastor with anyone besides the pastor, it more than likely will be damaging. Fight hard to keep your discussion appropriate. My experience is, more damage is done by inappropriate conversation than by the pastor’s infraction. The Bible has a lot to say about this. Ephesians 4:29 is a great example.

Save communication until your emotions are in check. We are told in Communications 101 to guard our mouths when we are emotional. It’s best to put off decisions until one’s excitement is under control. This is true whether we are happy or sad, angry or glad. Hold off on discussions about your anger until you can clearly and concisely articulate your concerns without saying detrimental things. Adopt the “24-hour rule”: Wait at least 24 hours before firing off an angry email. This allows you time to pray, consider more details and communicate more effectively.

Understand how challenging the role of a pastor is. There are a lot of armchair quarterbacks who think they could be a great pastor with one hand tied behind their back. The “you only work one day a week” joke isn’t funny. Pastors (like many other professionals) are faced with the pressure and stress of organizational finances, legal issues, volunteer personnel management, social tensions and personality differences. Add to that the extreme strain of the spiritual health of church members and the load gets heavy. While I am quick to defend pastors, I am also quick to admit that we mess up – a lot. But never assume that the pastor has an easy job. That simply is not the case. Being reminded of this will help you to better process your frustrations.

Express yourself face to face, not in writing. Issues like the church are too important to be handled impersonally. Emails, texts and letters don’t allow for the reader to see facial expressions, to hear the intonations and inflections of the voice or to see a tear running down a face. Reading between the lines is a very imperfect science. Don’t risk being misunderstood. If you are angry with your pastor, respect yourself and him enough to talk in person.

Never express your anger at your pastor on social media. Ever. In fact, social media is not the place to deal with anger at anyone. It is unfair, rude and childish.

Respect the office of the pastor. While you may be angry with your pastor, please honor the office and calling of the pastor. They are no better than you and they do not deserve special treatment. However, it is the mistake of some to disregard the significance of a person who is appointed by God to serve as a spiritual leader over a church. In your anger, maintain respect and dignity, if for no other reason, because God is watching.

If it’s bad enough, and you’re mad enough, what do you do?

1st. Recall that God appointed them and, if necessary, God can unappoint them. Trust God with the church – She belongs to Him.

2nd. Pray for your pastor. It is difficult to be very angry at someone for whom you are praying. When something happens to frustrate you, spend a moment in sincere prayer for your pastor. I assure you, they need it and welcome it.

3rd. Watch your influence. Be aware that others are watching you and your behavior will impact them. You never want to be guilty of leading others into an offense.

4th. Guard your heart. Too many times, anger against a pastor morphs into anger at God. Pastors fail, God never does. Keep your spirit pure.

5th. Forgive! Whether or not your pastor deserves it, forgive them. The Gospel is full of instruction on how we must forgive others as God has forgiven us.

6th. If you must go (leave the church), go the right way. It is unfortunately inevitable that some people need to leave some churches. There is a proper way to do this but we see very little demonstration in today’s culture. While much can be said about this topic (and others have), at the end of the day, we must be right with God and with others. If leaving a church does not coincide with that, you’d better not leave.

If you’re angry with your pastor, welcome to the church! It’s normal. But let’s not allow our emotions to damage the church, our pastor or ourselves.


5 Ways to Change Your Church (When You’re Not the Pastor)

design.pngFew things are as painful as watching a church you love struggle.

Many church members would agree that churches must adjust to the needs of the people in order to stay effective. A church that refuses to change will soon cease to exist. But what is a church member to do if the church they love is stuck, in decline and headed toward extinction?

This article has nothing to do with signing a petition. You won’t see the idea of secret meetings or anonymous letters to the pastor. Nor will I justify withholding financial support in an effort to “starve the preacher out.” For years, these antics have been successful in giving the church a bad reputation but they have never resulted in positive change in a church.

I believe that there are many things that an average church member can do in order to bring change and transformation to the church they love, all without compromising integrity or dignity. I list only five below:

Invest: Those who give of themselves over the long haul tend to gain the respect of others and enjoy influence among other church members and leaders. If you do not support your church financially, with your prayer and your faithful attendance, you have no business trying to affect change (IMO).

Study: What exactly is the problem and, just as important – what is the solution? Any critic can point out a problem – it takes a real leader to discover solutions. A lot of thought must go into an evaluation of a church. Assessments, evaluations, and investigation into successful ministry models may be necessary. If it seems that you don’t have the time and energy to put into this effort (and if you think it is the pastor’s job to do all of this) maybe you should just keep quiet about your feelings of dissatisfaction. Bringing change to a church is harder than you may want to imagine.

Pray: Because I didn’t want you to dismiss this section as obvious, I saved it for third on the list. Positive transformation will never occur in a church unless someone is praying. Diligently. Before you say a word to anyone, prior to expressing dissatisfaction, and ahead of any meetings, the whole idea must be bathed in prayer. The Lord is the only One who has the power to bring true lasting change to a church.

Communicate: This may be the diciest part of this conversation. Members who want to influence change in their church have a spiritual obligation to communicate their desires correctly. Complaining, gossiping, murmuring, and politicking are not solutions; they are problems.

I believe these “change” conversations begin with the pastor. Please understand, your pastor is not perfect. They are human and they deal with lots of issues. Before you call the office to schedule coffee with your preacher, please, put yourself in their shoes for a moment. How would you feel if someone called and asked for a meeting and you did not know the topic of discussion? How would you respond if someone starts the conversation with, “you know I love you, but…”?

The absolutely worst time to speak to a pastor about issues like this is just before a worship service. Just please don’t. And blindsiding a pastor with a “may we have a word with you?”, as you and the Elders wait in the lobby after church is a really bad idea. Treat the church leader with respect. Approach them with a humble spirit. Dignity and decorum are not too much to ask. And please give your pastor some room. By this I mean, you may have been kicking these ideas around for months but this may be a new thought for them. It is always a great idea to pray together and to ask for future conversations. Involving others in the discussions will come but in the beginning, keeping the group small may be a good idea.

You simply must do well at communicating the desire for change. To fail in this point may be to sabotage any hope for transformation.

Lead: If a church member desires to see change, it is important that they change. It is not reasonable to expect a group to change when individuals of influence refuse to change. If you want to change your church, lead by example. What is the problem in the church? Not enough evangelism? Become a more effective soul winner. Not enough new people? Invite and bring new people with you. The church is spiritually dead? Catch on fire in your relationship with the Lord. Many times, we are the solution to the problems in our church. We can affect change and impact the church simply by becoming what we want the church to be.

So what does a church member do if they follow these steps and nothing seems to change? Please keep in mind the church does not belong to you. Nor does it belong to the pastor or to the members. You will not give an account to God as to how the church progressed. But you will give an account to God as to how you handled yourself in regard to the church. If you have given it your best shot and nothing happens, my advice is… do nothing. Wait on the Lord. He is in control. Don’t get frustrated and don’t leave. Wait on the Lord. The church is His. You are His. And He will handle it.


How to Have a New Beginning

designThe New Year is a great time for new beginnings. We know that God is a God of new beginnings. Throughout the Bible, people like Noah, Moses, Ruth and Paul experienced the thrill and joy of “starting over.” While sometimes a fresh start is nearly impossible, I believe that God is providing a new beginning for many of us. Please consider how God may be speaking to you about a new beginning in your life.

In order to experience a new beginning, we must:

  • Learn from the past but let go of the past. Those who live in the past are stuck there and can’t dream of a better future.
  • Be willing to take a risk. We do not know the specifics of how the future will turn out so it requires great faith to begin again.
  • Forgive yourself and others for past failures. Holding onto hurts prevents us from moving forward.
  • Pray and think creatively. God never runs out of fresh ideas for today and tomorrow. Seek His face for the future.
  • Be willing to change what needs to be changed. If we keep doing the same things we’ve always done, we will keep getting the same results we’ve always gotten.
  • Be assured that God is a God of new beginnings and He wants to help you to start fresh today!

2017 can be the best year of our lives. While the challenges are significant in regard to the details of everyday living, I believe that God has placed us where we are for this specific time. He doesn’t want us stuck in the past – He wants us moving confidently forward into the bright future that He has for us, all under the power of the Holy Spirit.

May the grace of God enable us to embrace the wonderful plans that He has for us and may we experience the joy of fulfilling those plans!

Rick