Author Archives: rickwhitter

Dealing with a Chronic Kvetcher (Complainer)

designDefinition of kvetch (intransitive verb): to complain habitually, gripe.

We all know one or more kvetchers. He is the guy in the neighborhood who is always grouching about something; the gal you work with who whines about everything; the bellyachers, gripers, crabs and grumblers in our lives.

What a pain!

In my life and work, the issue needs to be addressed this way: what are we to do with the church grouch? (However, I think these principals can apply universally) Every church in which I have worked and I believe most churches in the country have at least one, and in some cases, several people who feel it their duty to complain. “The music is too loud.” “The room is too cold.” “The parking lot is full.” “The children are too noisy.” “The pastor preaches too long.” While some of these complaints may be legitimate, there are a few people who can only see the negative and are happy to communicate their disapproval to anyone who will listen. It can become a serious problem with significant ramifications if left unaddressed. Leaders do not have the luxury of overlooking the negative potential of allowing a crab to do his or her thing in the church.

Before we deal with solutions, let’s discuss a few of the intricacies of an attitude of complaining.

  1. Chronic complaining reveals the weakness of character. Francis Jeffrey said, “The tendency to whining and complaining may be taken as the surest sign symptom of little souls and inferior intellects.” While this is harsh, I think it is spot on. We seldom meet very successful and productive people who are grouches. Too much griping may rat you out as a weak thinker. Ouch!
  2. Chronic complaining annoys others. Think about it: we all know someone who, as they approach the crowd, elicits a collective but silent, “oh no, not him/her!’ There aren’t many social or organizational settings where it is fun or productive to listen to someone bellyache. The negativity is just too much sometimes, right?
  3. Chronic complaining discourages others. Nothing sucks the momentum out of a room like a guy who fusses about stuff. While leaders must be strong enough to value constructive criticism, we are discussing those who enjoy bringing others down to their level of doldrums. Be advised, uncontested complainers will destroy your healthy organizational climate.
  4. Chronic complaining makes matters worse. Like worry, complaining has no positive, results-oriented qualities. And habitual grumbling clouds the vision of people who are working hard to make things work. I personally have been distracted from important, potentially life-changing opportunities by individuals who successfully throw a wrench into the organizational machine through their moaning.
  5. Chronic complaining costs us relationships. If you are committed to complaining, those who have a choice will walk away from you. Family may be stuck, work associates may not have a choice, but no one wants to spend time around a crab. “Complaining is dangerous business. It can damage or even destroy your relationship with God, your relationships with other people, and even your relationship with yourself.” (Joyce Meyer)

This is why I said earlier that leaders (or family members or colleagues) can’t allow the complainer to dictate the future for others.

Now the question becomes – How should we respond? What, if anything, are we to do about chronic complainers?

Here are a few ideas:

  • Remember that people are hurting. When someone spends a significant amount of time complaining, this is an indication of a deeper problem in their life. Perhaps they are ill or in pain. Maybe they are lonely or depressed. Those who have been deeply hurt by others may feel the need to deal with offense; and that can impact their relationships with others. When this is the case, we must be patient and must seek to help.
  • Complaining is a good way to get attention. Think about it. There are folks who have no one to listen to them. The old adage about the squeaky wheel getting the grease has valid application here. If maladjusted people can garner attention only by grouching, they probably will grouch. While I want to say it gently, some people create their our miseries. Monica Johnson expressed it this way, “Many of our choices have led to the predicaments we are presently complaining about.” If this is the case, perhaps we shouldn’t reward the bad behavior of crabbing by listening, but instead, pay attention and give credence to them at other times. It may not work but it surely can’t hurt.
  • A effective way to control others is by making them so uncomfortable and awkward that they don’t know how to respond. Chronic complainers know this. Complainers are sometimes manipulators – sometimes we’ll give in to them just to shut them up – and they know that. So, the answer? Stop giving in; stand your ground and stop enabling the complaining.
  • Recognize that complaining is a spiritual problem. Complaining can reveal a lack of gratitude, insecurity about one’s condition or a desire to control the lives of others. Chronic grouches sometimes suffer from feelings of insecurity – so they live with the need for attention. The best way to get attention sometimes is by whining about something – anything. While we can’t solve the insecurities of others, we can affirm them to the point that they don’t get the response they desire from complaining.

In any case, there is something spiritually that is missing in the life of a complainer. If we recognize this and deal with it as such, solutions may be discovered.

In a brief 3 point conclusion, allow me to offer this:

  1. Pray for complainers. They need God’s love and grace. Rather than complaining about them (!), ask God to help them. And ask God for more grace to deal with them.
  2.  Offer solutions. If you have the time to invest, address the issues of a complainer one by one. Sit down with them, have them document their grievances and respectfully answer them. I have shocked and disarmed a few grouches by my willingness to logically discuss their concerns. Develop solid answers and present them to them. Point by point, show them that you are sympathetic but that you insist on a solutions–oriented approach to the problems. The truth is, many chronic grouches do not want solutions – they want to complain. This approach will reveal the truth.
  3. If none of this works, walk away. Now, I am not talking about abandoning a spouse or neglecting a friend in need. I am talking about distancing yourself from the yuck that is involved with complaining. If you are not in a personal relationship with this person, leave. If they are a family member or if you are forced by circumstances to endure them, distance yourself by not allowing them into your head. Walk away by making yourself impervious to their negativity.

One final challenge: join me in assuming that we are one of the crabby people – just possibly. I don’t want to be that guy that people dread being around. Zig Ziglar says, “Be grateful for what you have and stop complaining – it bores everybody else, does you no good, and doesn’t solve any problems.” If you are the town grouch – work on it! You and I can do better!

Philippians 2:14 says, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing.” Have a positive outlook. God is good. He loves you. Live your life in a way that reveals your gratitude for all that He has done for you.

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This Was My Pulpit

IMG_7183It’s been said that some of the best sermons aren’t delivered in church behind a pulpit but, rather, in everyday life situations. I tend to agree.

I have nothing but respect for the spiritual responsibility of preaching the sacred Gospel. Men and women of faith have been the mouthpiece of God for generations. This is in obedience to the Scriptures that command us to preach the Word. Pastors, Elders, evangelists and missionaries will continue to declare the truth of the Bible from pulpits around the world until Christ returns.

However, this week I was not the preacher in the pulpit; I was the preacher in disaster relief. I was privileged to be able to serve with a team of volunteers who ministered to the people of Houston, Texas in the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey.

I did not preach with words. I preached with a hammer and crowbar. I was responsible for removing rotting wood from the floors of a home that was occupied by two elderly ladies. The work was hot, smelly, time-consuming and strenuous. I had several hours to myself so while I worked, I prayed, worshipped and contemplated.

The inspiration came to me that the floor was my pulpit for the week. I was living out in real time the words that I speak on Sunday. I speak the Gospel on Sunday; this week, I got to live out the Gospel. The preaching was pretty good, too.

Admittedly, I am not the best preacher in the world but I struggle even more with my construction skills. But it’s hard to mess up demolishing a floor. Though monotonous and painful, I offered this service to God – to an audience of One.

True ministry is not glamorous. It’s not easy and it’s not always fun. But true ministry serves the purpose of glorifying God and bringing hope to people.

I don’t plan to quit my day job. But it feels good to put some works to my faith.

None of us are interested in listening to a preacher who doesn’t live what he preaches. That thought puts me in a quandary. How can I talk others into doing something I do not do?

IMG_7172You may be wondering what the second picture is. I fell through the floor. While carrying a heavy box, the rotten floor gave way. Thankfully I wasn’t hurt. And my buddies had a good laugh at my expense. So, this kind of preaching can be dangerous but still humorous.


6 Things I Look for in Millennial Leaders

designAs a Boomer leader, one of my greatest joys is to engage with emerging leaders. The energy and excitement that younger men and women bring to the table is a vital part of my personal leadership strategy; they keep me fresh and continually learning. Young leaders provide necessary elements to our processes that cannot be found elsewhere. From a practical point of view, if I hope to impact the future, I must connect now with those who will actually be leading in the future. On a personal note, when I was a young leader, older leaders poured so much into me that I would be remiss to not pay back what was provided for me.

When I connect with a young leader, I look for at least 6 things. Among them are:

Energy, cultural relevance, creativity. cooperation, commitment and stability.

Energy: it’s no secret that organizations need the vitality that millennial leaders bring to the table. There is no substitute for the intensity that youth provides. Our organizations need the pop that Millennials bring.

Cultural relevance: It’s nearly impossible for seasoned leaders to stay current with the nuances of our rapidly changing world. One way to do this is to remain in close contact with empowered young leaders. Nothing is more embarrassing than using a word that used to mean one thing but now means something completely different! When I am with younger leaders, I love to just observe them as they communicate. This helps keep me in the loop and remain relevant to the culture we are serving.

Creativity: Successful organizations utilize the services of people who think in new and fresh ways. What works in communications today more than likely won’t tomorrow. Today’s emerging leaders bring innovative and visionary ways of seeing the world. I need that in my life and in my leadership.

Cooperation: I am looking for young leaders to cooperate with the processes in which I am involved. While it’s not reasonable to demand unquestioned alliance, those whose demeanor is one of collaboration and contribution make incredibly valuable team members that we can’t function without.

Commitment: One of the biggest struggles in leadership is to identify people who will stick around. No one likes the idea of investing significant resources of time and energy into a relationship that can be quickly abandoned. I am looking for Millennial leaders who know how to stick with a worthwhile relationship.

Stability. A common criticism of younger leaders is that they are unstable and flighty. I think this is an unfair critique. There are many young leaders who can be counted upon. They are steady, dependable and trustworthy. I look for that when I am engaged with emerging leaders so that their impact can remain long-term.

Young leaders make me better and I hope I make them better. Of course, there are many more attributes that we should value when considering young leaders. Most of all, I hope that we can make more progress toward multigenerational leadership structures that will change the world!

(This article is also published in https://www.forgelead.org/single-post/2017/09/05/6-Things-I-Look-For-in-Millennial-Leaders.)


Why Does My Pastor Want Me to Attend Every Church Service?

20799375_10155681399684214_8063187496515257957_n.jpgChurch attendance is on the decline in America. Most statistics point to a reduction of commitment to local congregations. Some feel that church attendance is overrated and others believe that attendance is not a reflection of one’s faith. Regardless of your opinion about or practice of church attendance, we must admit that things are changing.

According to an article by Kelly Shattuck on Churchleaders.com, less than 20 percent of Americans regularly attend church. David Murrow writes about how church attendance is declining even among “committed” church members. A church surveyed “their young families and discovered they attended church an average of 1.6 times per month (out of a possible 4.3 weekends/month). In addition, only 20% of their members attend at least 3 times a month. And just 4 percent are “full attenders”, attending at least 48 Sunday out of the year. You can read the full article here.

I am processing this phenomenon from the perspective of a local church pastor. Having pastored full time for over 25 years, and now working in a leadership role among pastors, it is my hope that the average church attender will look at things from a pastor’s point of view.

Your pastor wants you to attend every service! Here are 7 of the reasons why:

Your Pastor cares about your soul. Spiritual transformation is a process; the more you engage in spiritually uplifting activities, the more consistent your progress will be. When you attend church services, you engage in worship with others. You sing with the church family. You give with your peers. You learn more about the Bible and God. Obviously, when you do not attend church services, these things do not happen, at least not in the church setting. It would be a negligent pastor who doesn’t care enough about your soul to want you in church services.

Your Pastor knows that the church is stronger with you there. Other people are inspired by your participation in church services. Your possess gifts and talents that the other church members need. If you are not there to exercise these gifts, perhaps no one will – and the church will do without.

Your Pastor knows that others need you. If we believe what the Scripture says about the value of each member of the body of Christ (I Cor. 12:12), we know that we are of value. We are important and our presence matters to others. Perhaps it is as simple as a handshake or hug, or maybe it is as complex as a mentoring relationship or a spiritual parenting need that is filled. Other people need you and if you are at the church service – you can be available to them.

Your Pastor believes that you need what is being presented. The music, the message, the fellowship, the tithing and giving – are all necessary parts of your faith development. As a Pastor, I prepared messages with particular church members on my heart. I could envision how a particular attender would respond to a certain part of the sermon. I would pray and prepare keeping the needs of the people at the forefront of my mind. Imagine the disappointment when those who were on my heart did not attend the service. Perhaps the essence of the message was exactly what they needed at that time in their life, but they were not there to receive.

Your Pastor sees that you are an example that others will follow. Never underestimate the influence you have among your church family. Someone is looking up to you. Whether or not we like it, someone will follow in our footsteps. If we attend, they are more likely to attend.

Your Pastor knows the Scriptures indicate that you should worship in a corporate setting. “Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:25 CEB) You will be blessed if you attend faithfully.

When you don’t attend worship services, your Pastor is concerned about your perspective. I am of the opinion that church attendance is a direct indicator of how one feels about God’s family, and therefore God. While you may not care what your pastor thinks, your pastor cares about what you think.

I could go on. But you get the point. I hope you can consider your pastor the next time you contemplate missing a service. One statement I hear a lot from Pastors: “If I could get everybody here at the same time…” Imagine it. I wonder what would happen if we would all show up at the same time, for several services in a row.

On second thought, your Pastor may have a heart attack!


Empty Nest Churches

What Do We Do About Our Kids Leaving the Church?

designThe problem was been well documented. Lots of analysis and research reveals that the generation gap in the church continues to widen. There is an issue, especially in the North American church, in that many younger people are not staying or they aren’t coming in the first place. The statistics are alarming. It’s a concern for many Baby Boomer parents and a dilemma for church leaders.

As far as I can ascertain, no one else has coined the term, “empty nest church.” You get the concept: the kids leave, and mom and dad are left alone. In the home, though adjustments need to be made, this can be a refreshing and fun time for couples. In the church, it is a sign of looming extinction. If adjustments aren’t made, the church will soon no longer exist.

Conferences and ministry forums are addressing this problem. Books are being published and denominational leaders are deep in dialogue. It’s baffling, however, that others seem to be unaware of the problem. Or perhaps they are aware but are clueless about solutions. But make no mistake, this matter is not going away, and sooner or later, we will deal with it.

So, what are we to do when the next generation disengages from the church? I would like to discuss 3 possible responses.

Would we allow our kids to walk away from our home and their relationship with us without pursuing them? Most parents would make every effort to assure their children that they are loved and valued and an integral part of the family. It’s unthinkable that we would stand idly by as they depart the house, promising never to return. Would we refuse to go after them in the name of “tough love?” (Sometimes tough love is a cover-up for a hard heart). Would we accuse them of being entitled or spoiled? Why then do we see this in the church? All indicators point to a several year crisis that has developed in many evangelical churches. The problem is not new – but where are the solutions? When discussing the issue of the younger generation leaving the church, we hear people say things like, “it’s up to them to come back” or “we’re not the ones who left.” In a recent social media discussion, an article addressing Millennials leaving the church created a lot of dialogue. The author of the article encouraged churches and ministry leaders to take the initiative to go after people who leave the church. One commenter, a Christian leader said, “Instead of: “it’s your move church,” I keep saying, “it’s your move millennials.” Stop looking for others to change things for you and just start being the change you want to see.” While I concur with the concept of personal responsibility, when it comes to spiritual disengagement, this type of thinking creates more problem than solutions. We cannot expect those who have left the church to assume the responsibility to make the needed changes.

It seems to me that older Believers have the responsibility to go after, even pursue younger Believers who walk away from the church. I think that is what the Father would do.

By “go after”, I don’t mean simply trying to talk them into coming back. While this is an excellent place to begin, we must be willing to face the difficult truths behind the decisions being made. Rather than being defensive or dismissive, we must be open and willing to learn. Teenagers and young adults should know beyond any doubt that we love them enough to come find them – wherever they are. We can’t wait for them to come home; we must go after them with our words and our deeds. And once this dialogue has begun, we must be solutions oriented.

In addition to pursuing them, we should be willing to explore new ideas in regard to ministry. So many of the conversations I have observed between the generations involve an assumption that “my way” is the best way. I think every generation is guilty of this. Until we are ready to explore a different way of doing ministry, the potential of the harvest will be limited. Adjusting methods is not a matter of watering down the Truth. Let’s not fall prey to the claims of our unwillingness to compromise our standards in order to reach people. Many of us compromise every day in order to keep the people we have. Let’s be honest with ourselves.

If I can adjust my preferences, be flexible in my approach and possibly compromise on my methods, and thereby win a younger generation to the Lord, why would I not do so? (Previous experience compels me to state that I in no way propose lowering the standard of God’s Word!) By the way, I am simply providing for others what was provided for me. My elders didn’t insist that I do it their way – they allowed me to connect in a fresh and new way. I owe this gift from an older generation to a new generation.

In addition to going after the new generation and compromising on methods, one more consideration may be helpful.

This week I once again heard someone refer to today’s youth as “the church of tomorrow.” We simply must stop saying this! The message implies waiting. While younger people certainly will be the backbone of the future church, they must be viewed as an indispensable part of the church right now. We wouldn’t think of segregating our children in our home when it is mealtime, only to let them join us for special occasions. I believe that young people should be integrated into every worship experience. Youth Sundays are awesome but highlighting the new generation a few times a year is inadequate. Allow them to serve now. Respect their gifts and talents. While they may not be mature enough to lead every ministry, there must be a place for people of all generations in the family of God. Young people must be a part of the church of today!

One more thought: prevention is key. Let’s not wait until there is an exodus of young adults from our churches. Let’s be proactive rather than reactive. Start the dialogue before the bridge is burned.

In summary:

When we observe the problem of younger generations leaving the church:

  1. Go after them
  2. Consider a shift in methods
  3. Recognize them as an important part of the church today

I think we (the church) should accept the responsibility for fixing this problem. If we refuse or fail to do so, it is likely that we will lose a majority of people age 30 and younger. No one, especially the Lord is good with that.

No more Empty Nest Churches!


It’s Not A Compliment

designA while back, an individual told me how much he enjoyed my preaching. As I was feeling affirmed, he proceeded to indicate that he liked my preaching more than he liked the preaching of his “regular” preacher. In a split second, his compliment turned into an awkward, manipulative attempt to make a negative statement about his pastor. I was no longer feeling affirmed.

When people behave this way, it is safe to assume a passive/aggressive intention in their communication. Initially, the affirmation sounded good. But the negative intimation that followed negated anything positive that was shared.

When someone tries to make you feel good by speaking negatively of others, you should not feel good – you should feel used. The motives behind these types of “compliments” vary. Some have an ax to grind. Others are trying to control a situation. A few may want to impress or manipulate you. And still others just like to gossip. Regardless of the motive – this type of communication is a bad thing.

If you find yourself in this situation – if someone “compliments” you by tearing down someone else – don’t fall for it. What is it that causes us to feel good about being compared to others, and coming out on top? Insecurity. If you are vulnerable to an inferiority complex or if you need to improve on your self-esteem, speaking in a disparaging way about others or listening to others do so is a terrible way proceed.

Keep this in mind:

If someone speaks negatively about someone else to you, they will speak negatively about you to someone else.

We can do better. If someone does a good job, let them know. But don’t muddy the waters by dragging someone else through the mud. If you have an issue with a person, deal with it appropriately.

Let’s not misuse the beautiful gift of a compliment by using it as a weapon.


11 Reasons Why Introverts Sometimes Make the Best Leaders

designHow necessary are charisma, extroversion and a dynamic personality in the life of a leader?

Some folks prefer to be alone – and some want to be left alone. Occasionally, these folks are expected to lead others. While this arrangement may seem awkward, I have seen it work very well and have observed a few introverts enjoy remarkable success as leaders.

On a side note, some who identify themselves as an introvert are not. One indicator that one is an introvert is they do not want the focus to be on them. The limelight is painful for them. Those who continually indicate that they are introverted are probably seeking attention from others. Insecure, maybe, but not introverted.

So, why do some introverts make great leaders?

  • Some introverts don’t want the credit. When things work well, they are happy for the team to get credit. This is compared to the “attention hogs” who grab the credit when they can (and are mysteriously absent when a project goes south and someone needs to own up to the responsibility).
  • They would rather work behind the scenes. They don’t mind doing the thankless tasks and they recognize that true leadership isn’t always glamorous.
  • They can work in isolation without the need for a lot of interaction. The long hours of leading can be very lonely. Introverts can live without the constant chatter of the crowds.
  • Some introverts need less affirmation, unlike extroverts who sometimes look for appreciation and recognition from outside sources.
  • They would prefer not to be the topic of conversation. They do not want to be perceived as conceited or egotistical, so they’d rather allow other people to talk about themselves.
  • Introverts can be more observant and perceptive. Because they aren’t focused on themselves, they are sometimes more aware of the needs of others.
  • “Introverts listen before they speak. They watch from the sidelines and take some mental notes before they insert themselves into any social situation. This preparation allows them to enter a conversation confidently, without stumbling over their words or doubting the accuracy of what they say.” (Dan Wallen)
  • They are generally self-sufficient and independent. While this trait can work against a leader, when properly channeled, it can result in great personal strength.
  • They may receive joy and fulfillment from serving others – anonymously.
  • They focus on internal feelings rather than on external sources of stimulation. They may appear to be steadier than their gregarious counterparts.
  • “They focus on details. Introverts do not rush when making decisions because they prefer to study and understand the situation thoroughly. They can be rather objective and see the different angles and viewpoints in every situation. They can also control their emotions and not let their feelings affect their rationality.” Dan Fries,

A little advice:

Introverts, let your strengths work for you, rather than against you. Understand that you must engage with others if you are to influence them. Don’t allow your more reserved nature to be mistaken for intimidation or ego. And please, be yourself – but lead! The throngs of outgoing followers in the world need you!